Sage Advice

Even though you didn’t ask for it, I thought I’d give some Kvetch in the City sage advice.

If you’re married, stay married. Even if you can’t stand your spouse, take it from me, please do yourself a favor and stay married. Even if you’ve both gained 30 pounds and don’t talk anymore, just stay married.

And for all the singles out there…stay single. Don’t go on Tinder, or Hinge or Bumble or J date. Don’t ask people you just met their astrological signs to see if they might be a good match. Don’t ask people if they “know someone,” don’t follow Match Maker Maria on Instagram even though she’s hysterical and has solid dating suggestions.

And definitely don’t go to holiday parties and have a drink only to find yourself talking to some cute, funny, creative, older man, who happens to be from your hometown who then the next day Facebooks you in as a friend and asks you out for dinner. Then you go out to so called dinner and find yourself in the very strange familiar place of actually having feelings that you thought were long gone laced with a tinge of excitement, only to find yourself wondering what just happened since only the week before you were so calm and content being single without a care in the world of ever meeting anyone for the rest of your life. It was just fine, life was good, and now your stomach is in knots. And now, looking in the mirror naked is mortifying just when wearing old underwear used to be just fine and who cares if you have those little knish love handles, and a bit of a jowl and you had resigned yourself to not worrying about getting a face lift because you’d actually rather have the money in the bank.

And then you find yourself on another date with said person and you are bowling in some alley and wondering what he is thinking of your tush and if it’s too big and how you feel scared to bowl properly because of your hip replacement so you walk/stand right up at the edge of the lane and throw/roll the ball down the alley and first time up get a strike. And then you worry if he has a male ego that would bruise if you beat him…which you do by the third game…even though he once gave bowling lessons back in the day and is somewhat of a pro.

And then you find out he may have a strong ego after all and that is actually a good sign so now you find yourself feeling more vulnerable and wondering how to steer the course of continuing on when he calls three days later and you talk for two hours like it was two minutes and he asks you out again and you say yes and go to the Frist and have fun and he takes you to your favorite restaurant and you see he doesn’t even seem to care as you bite into some sloppy veggie burger dripping ketchup. And you continue on until yes he says he’d like to kiss you which creates an inner melt down of feelings buried alive for too long that the words blast out how you’d like to go slow because you’d really like to get to know him first because you’re thinking, while you’re pretty sure he is not a serial killer by this point, you remember how complicated it could be if you bring the wrong person into your life and end up marrying them which you’ve done two times before.

And since then you’ve worked so hard on yourself to be discerning and by now you think you really know yourself, though in this moment you wonder, do I really know myself? And the only way forward is to open your heart and maybe let him in and let it unfold at a pace that feels good for you and to trust if it’s it meant to be it will work out because you know when a man wants to be with a woman, he is all caveman like and simple and straightforward.

So, when he calls a few days later unbeknownst to the fact that you have been living in an anxiety induced dating a new man hell and you just thought you can’t take it anymore you conjure up your most casual relaxed voice and reply, “Hey, how ya’ doin’?”