Stick 'um up

Once upon a time, in a fearless world, people used to plaster their car with bumper stickers. In an instance you knew more about the person who owned that car then you may ever want to know. It was yesteryear’s version of social media. Yesteryear’s tweet, meme, and scroll all rolled into one stuck onto your most precious possession, your automobile. And it was fun, and okay. No worries that someone was going to wreck your car or road rage you for broadcasting for all the world to see, your thoughts, humor, religious beliefs, leisure time preferences and every campsite you’ve ever visited. And it was even okay if it was a political preference. I seriously think, no one really cared what people chose to plaster on the back of their auto. It was all fun and games and a good read at a red light.

Looking back, I think it all changed in the last election. And the reason I believe that, is because, suddenly, I noticed it was a rare sighting, to see a bumper sticker at all. In 2016 bumper stickers were still going strong, even if they were mostly political and less “I visited Yosemite and lived to make it out.”

Which was why, the other day, I was stunned into attention when I sat behind a car waiting for the light to change and still did not have enough time to read all the stickers adhered to the back end. Immediately, I knew it was a relic of a person, maybe someone not on social media at all, or perhaps the last person standing old hippy. Unfortunately, I was too late to pull out a pen to write some of them down, and my brain is now at an age with zero ability to remember more than one sentiment at a time. All I was left with was the one sticker that read, “I’m retired, go around me.”

Suddenly, I found myself at once, yearning for the good old bumper sticker days, and to be a retired person like the car person in front of me that people should go around.

Since that bumper sticker day sighting, I can’t seem to get that car out of my head. All I can think of now is what my bumper stickers would say, dare I have the nerve to adhere one or multiples onto my car’s rear end.

I think I’d start with:

I’ve turned Complaining into an Art Form.

Here is a list of others that come to mind:

Please Leave me Alone. I’m fine.

I Choose to be Single, What’s Your Excuse?

If you’re Driving an Audi, I’ll Trade Cars.

I Changed my Mind, Honk if you’re Single.

If you Win the Lottery, Please Feel Free to Share.

I Raised a Great Son; I did Something Right.

Worry, and STILL be Happy.

Honk if you Care to Learn from My Mistakes.

If You’re for Peace, Don’t Honk, Act Accordingly.

And so, I did a little googling, and found a business online where you can create your very own personalized bumper stickers!

Looks like I’m in luck! Goodbye social media. If you want to know what I’m up to, you’ll just have to get stuck behind me at a red light. And since I ain’t retired yet, don’t bother going ‘round me.