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Kvetch in the City - Dear Esther

Now that Spring has sprung and April showers have brought us May flowers, I’ve been thinking a lot more about the birds and the bees. Gee, get your mind out of the gutter folks! I’m talking about the migrating birds that are drinking all the water out of my outdoor fountain every day and gigantic bees hovering on my balcony while I’m trying to relax.

Actually, to tell you the truth, the thought of conscious coupling (as in dating eligible men) has been on my mind again lately, now that I am fully vaccinated and somewhat comfortable again in mask-less encounters with other vaccinated people.

So, as I sit here with a bleaching tray in my mouth to brighten up those coffee stained not so pearly whites and spending way too much money highlighting my hair, botox-ing my far head and visiting the nail salon once again, I’d have to say I’m pretty much back in fighting shape, (not withstanding a few pounds), to head back into the dating world, wherever that might be.

However, since I’m still somewhat terrorized from my past record, I thought it might be a good idea to take advantage of my Observer next door neighbor columnist, Dear Esther!

Here are a few questions I’m thinking of writing her that maybe she can help me out with…

Dear Esther,

Do you think the fact that I write a column that hinges on kvetching be a problem in meeting a decent man, the kind, if my mother, may she rest in peace, were still alive, I could bring home to meet, or at least not make her turn over in her grave?

Dear Esther,

More to the point, would a Jewish man even notice I’m kvetching since it’s sort of a Jewish way of communicating anyway, that I’m pretty sure they grew up with?

Dear Esther,

A little bit more to the point, do you think all my kvetching might remind a Jewish man too much of his mother and would start things off way too Freudian?

Dear Esther,

Do you think the fact that I write a monthly column where I have no shame baring my soul for all to read, is a hinderance to my dating possibilities?

Dear Esther,

Do you think dating a non-Jewish man who doesn’t understand what a kvetch is may work in my favor?

Dear Esther,

Do I need to explain to non-Jewish men that when a Jewish woman uses expressions like…”I’m going to jump out the window, if you say that one more time!” actually realize she is definitely not going to jump, though she may be inclined to push! “

Dear Esther,

Do you happen to have a single brother?

I’m hoping that by June I may not need to write Dear Esther. Until then, I’ll get my zaftig tuchus on my bike and hit the green way.


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